{"id":8098,"date":"2026-10-16T08:20:00","date_gmt":"2026-10-16T06:20:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nicolemaina.com\/?p=8098"},"modified":"2026-10-16T16:38:50","modified_gmt":"2026-10-16T14:38:50","slug":"just-pretend-you-dont-understand-your-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nicolemaina.com\/en\/just-pretend-you-dont-understand-your-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Just pretend you don\u2019t understand your child"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What to avoid with multilingual children<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>It really pains me \u2013 and it happens far too often \u2013 when I hear this advice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><em>\u2018If your child speaks to you in the local language, just pretend you don\u2019t understand!\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>All too often, too, I see parents quizzing their children on vocabulary as if they were sitting an exam, or grandparents pressing them: \u201cHow many words can you say in Italian?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Raising a multilingual child doesn\u2019t mean putting pressure on them or demanding they perform. Quite the opposite!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why is it not a good idea to pretend you don\u2019t understand your child?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>In short: because you\u2019re lying to your child and abusing their trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The truth is that you\u2019ve understood exactly what they\u2019re saying. Of course, your language is important and your priority, but your relationship with your child is far more important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Communication is an essential part of your relationship, and as soon as you pretend not to understand them, you\u2019re prioritizing multilingualism over your relationship. That\u2019s not a good idea, because <strong>your relationship always comes before everything else<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not only are you putting your bond with your child at risk, but by putting pressure on them, you also risk them associating your language with negative feelings. And we want to achieve exactly the opposite!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why shouldn\u2019t I force my child to speak my language?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>Have you ever said something like this?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>&#8220;I\u2019ll only give you the chocolate if you ask me for it in English!&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m sure you mean well, but forcing your child to use your language doesn\u2019t help. It might work in the short term, but alongside the language, your child is learning something else: that your language is more important to you than their needs. They learn that blackmail is a good way to get what they want \u2013 even from you. And they learn that they have to behave in a certain way to be loved. In the LingFLoWS\u00ae method, in which I\u2019m trained, the focus is on meeting children\u2019s needs, and that\u2019s precisely why I recommend that parents raising their children to be multilingual shouldn\u2019t force anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why shouldn\u2019t I quiz my child?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cHow do you say \u2018cat\u2019 in Italian?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cAnd what does Dad call it in English?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cCan you translate this word?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:45px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>When I was little, I hated it when my German schoolmates pressured me to say something in Italian. Same story during our visits to Italian relatives, who would quiz me and want to know what I could say in Italian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Nobody likes being tested<\/strong>, and even less so in front of others. Testing just increases the pressure, and your child is unlikely to associate positive feelings with your language as a result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There can certainly be exceptions: if you really need your child\u2019s help because they know more than you do in a particular context, you can of course ask them \u2013 this boosts their self-confidence. However, it should be genuine and not done simply to test your child\u2019s abilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why does my child always speak to me in the local language?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:0px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>If your child doesn\u2019t reply to you in your language, there are certainly good reasons for this \u2013 and it\u2019s down to neither laziness nor a lack of ability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The reasons can vary greatly, and sometimes it simply takes time to find out what they are in your specific case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What can I do to encourage my child to reply in my language?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>Firstly: try not to interrupt the conversation and keep the dialogue flowing smoothly. Respond in your language, picking up on the words your child has used in the local language. In this way, you provide them with a model of what they could have said and point out words they may not yet know but which can easily be understood from the context.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>To ensure your child not only understands your language but also speaks it actively, you need a strategy.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The first step is to create a learning environment in which your child is motivated to express themselves in your language \u2013 without fear or pressure. An environment in which they can acquire the language and discover that speaking your language is fun. Then your child will also start speaking it to you spontaneously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, there is no one-size-fits-all solution for creating the right environment for their development. Every family has its own unique circumstances, and we can look at these together to find a strategy that is realistic for your specific situation and works in the long term.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>You don\u2019t have to do it all on your own!<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>If your child replies in the language spoken around them, it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve done anything wrong<\/strong>. Perhaps you simply need more clarity, more confidence and a new, structured approach to multilingualism in your family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019d like to work with me to develop a bespoke strategy to support your child in becoming bilingual or trilingual within the specific context of your family \u2013 rather than following well-meaning advice \u2013 then <a href=\"https:\/\/nicolemaina.com\/en\/coach-for-multilingual-families\/book-an-appointment\/\"><strong>book a consultation<\/strong><\/a>: we\u2019ll discuss it together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:100px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><em><em>Nicole Maina is a certified LingFLoWS\u00ae consultant for multilingualism. Consultations take place online or in person in Pecetto Torinese, near Turin.<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What to avoid with multilingual children It really pains me \u2013 and it happens far too often \u2013 when I hear this advice: \u2018If your child speaks to you in the local language, just pretend you don\u2019t understand!\u2019 All too often, too, I see parents quizzing their children on vocabulary as if they were sitting &hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"read-more\"> <a class=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/nicolemaina.com\/en\/just-pretend-you-dont-understand-your-child\/\"> <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Just pretend you don\u2019t understand your child<\/span> Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8093,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[91],"tags":[97,94,115],"class_list":["post-8098","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-multilingual-family-coach","tag-article-eng","tag-consulente-per-famiglie-multilingue-en","tag-consulente-per-famiglie-multilingui-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.3 - 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