What to avoid with multilingual children
It really pains me – and it happens far too often – when I hear this advice:
‘If your child speaks to you in the local language, just pretend you don’t understand!’
All too often, too, I see parents quizzing their children on vocabulary as if they were sitting an exam, or grandparents pressing them: “How many words can you say in Italian?”
Raising a multilingual child doesn’t mean putting pressure on them or demanding they perform. Quite the opposite!
Why is it not a good idea to pretend you don’t understand your child?
In short: because you’re lying to your child and abusing their trust.
The truth is that you’ve understood exactly what they’re saying. Of course, your language is important and your priority, but your relationship with your child is far more important.
Communication is an essential part of your relationship, and as soon as you pretend not to understand them, you’re prioritizing multilingualism over your relationship. That’s not a good idea, because your relationship always comes before everything else.
Not only are you putting your bond with your child at risk, but by putting pressure on them, you also risk them associating your language with negative feelings. And we want to achieve exactly the opposite!
Why shouldn’t I force my child to speak my language?
Have you ever said something like this?
“I’ll only give you the chocolate if you ask me for it in English!”
I’m sure you mean well, but forcing your child to use your language doesn’t help. It might work in the short term, but alongside the language, your child is learning something else: that your language is more important to you than their needs. They learn that blackmail is a good way to get what they want – even from you. And they learn that they have to behave in a certain way to be loved. In the LingFLoWS® method, in which I’m trained, the focus is on meeting children’s needs, and that’s precisely why I recommend that parents raising their children to be multilingual shouldn’t force anything.
Why shouldn’t I quiz my child?
“How do you say ‘cat’ in Italian?”
“And what does Dad call it in English?”
“Can you translate this word?”
When I was little, I hated it when my German schoolmates pressured me to say something in Italian. Same story during our visits to Italian relatives, who would quiz me and want to know what I could say in Italian.
Nobody likes being tested, and even less so in front of others. Testing just increases the pressure, and your child is unlikely to associate positive feelings with your language as a result.
There can certainly be exceptions: if you really need your child’s help because they know more than you do in a particular context, you can of course ask them – this boosts their self-confidence. However, it should be genuine and not done simply to test your child’s abilities.
Why does my child always speak to me in the local language?
If your child doesn’t reply to you in your language, there are certainly good reasons for this – and it’s down to neither laziness nor a lack of ability.
The reasons can vary greatly, and sometimes it simply takes time to find out what they are in your specific case.
What can I do to encourage my child to reply in my language?
Firstly: try not to interrupt the conversation and keep the dialogue flowing smoothly. Respond in your language, picking up on the words your child has used in the local language. In this way, you provide them with a model of what they could have said and point out words they may not yet know but which can easily be understood from the context.
To ensure your child not only understands your language but also speaks it actively, you need a strategy.
The first step is to create a learning environment in which your child is motivated to express themselves in your language – without fear or pressure. An environment in which they can acquire the language and discover that speaking your language is fun. Then your child will also start speaking it to you spontaneously.
However, there is no one-size-fits-all solution for creating the right environment for their development. Every family has its own unique circumstances, and we can look at these together to find a strategy that is realistic for your specific situation and works in the long term.
You don’t have to do it all on your own!
If your child replies in the language spoken around them, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Perhaps you simply need more clarity, more confidence and a new, structured approach to multilingualism in your family.
If you’d like to work with me to develop a bespoke strategy to support your child in becoming bilingual or trilingual within the specific context of your family – rather than following well-meaning advice – then book a consultation: we’ll discuss it together.
Nicole Maina is a certified LingFLoWS® consultant for multilingualism. Consultations take place online or in person in Pecetto Torinese, near Turin.
